Women have it tough

Women have it tough.  Really tough. Think about this.  The average woman bleeds for one week every month , twelve months a year, for roughly THIRTY FIVE YEARS!

That is a lot of blood!

Of course you can deduct the amount of time a woman spends growing a human inside which morphs her body into a different shape entirely... only to push a baby head the size of a cantaloupe through a hole not nearly big enough.  Did I mention that this process HURTS LIKE NOTHING ELSE ON EARTH!!  And of course her body will never ever be the same.

And if just the periods weren't enough, there is the week leading up to it with hormonal nutsies, the insatiable munchies, and the self loathing because you know you shouldn't eat anymore but you HAVE to .... like a crack addict needing a hit.  Then you have the bloating.  And the eternal cramping as your body tries to annihilate and forcefully eject a portion of itself that it created but doesn't want anymore.  All this is monthly!

Just when you think there is an end in sight, that the periods might eventually stop.... there is a whole new hell called menopause.  It comes complete with night sweats so bad you wake up drenched, weight gain without eating a thing, hair sprouting in places you thought only men had hair, and new hormonal crazies that leave strong men fearful and children scarred.



Ya women have it very very tough....


                              
                                              .....  and that is why you should lower the damn toilet seat.

Marriage is hard

Marriage is HARD.  Even now after 30 some odd years, marriage is still really hard sometimes.  Probably because most marriages are amongst different species.  We are all human true, but men and women are polar opposites.  Like tabby's and lions are both cats but really, really not the same.

What brings this all up now is that my son is getting married in a week.  Yep he found his true love. When asked last night if they were a little bit worried , they both looked puzzled and said no.  Ah young love.  Nothing to fear, they have each other.  How could they fail?  Look out world.

What happened to us?  My husband and I.  We were them 30+ years ago.  We were excited about what life had to offer, challenges and adventures..  We were going to face life together, side by side. How could we fail?

I don't think we did fail.  I just don't think we are where I thought we would be.  We had kids ad raised them well.  We had challenges alright, whoo boy, illness and depression and other uglies we never saw coming.   We faced them, sometimes side by side.  But there were times one of us had to take the lead as the other had to retreat.

We no longer worry about divorcing - it's not an option.  Okay it really never was.  I never believed in an escape hatch.  I'm Mormon.  I promised forever.  So we always ALWAYS work things out eventually.

And I learned a few things.  This wisdom I would pass along to my son but he is so starry eyed he wouldn't listen.    So I will tell you.

Men need a cave.  When wounded or they feel like they have been wounded), leave them alone.  They will emerge when they want to right things or at least get on with things.

Go to bed angry.  Sometimes you need the fresh perspective of a new day.

Pay attention to your spouse.  It's really hard when the kids are young, but kids eventually leave, and then?

Pray.  A lot.  Then pray some more. God is the source of all love and as such he can refill your heart with love for your spouse when you are a quart low.  Or a gallon.

Divorce is not an option.  Now I do think there are a few reasons divorce is not only reasonable - it is advisable, but for the most part facing problems is a much better option.  There is no perfect man out there so divorcing the one you got in search of a better one is a fools game.

Remember when you got married?  If it was right then....it is right now.  God doesn't change his mind. (but then see previous paragraph).  that truth has carried me through some seriously perilous times.

Men and women are different- opposite- but that's why we fit together so very very well.

It can be incredibly sweet. Hold onto those times.

Well there you have it .  Doesn't seem like much wisdom gained from all those years but it's all I got.  So be good to yourself.  Be good to your spouse.  Make our marriage a little bit better today.. and tomorrow.... and the next day

Mothering

My little boy is all grown up and getting married.  He will soon be launched into the world participating in the daily work of adulting.  He and his lovely finacee are buying a condo together, working on budgets, shopping for car insurance and all the other mundane tasks of being a full fledged adult.  I am so happy for him.  He is filled with joy when he looks at his bride.  And she is so full of peace and love when she looks back.  It is sweet.  Really sweet.

Soon they will be wed and off they will go and I will be done with the whole mother thing.

Or will I?

That it what I thought when he left for a two year mission.... and it was devastating.  I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was done.  I thought and thought and prayed and FINALLY I figured it out.  I am a daughter of God.  That makes me eternal.  My role in the eternal scheme of things is to nurture, foster, care for, or in other words "mother".  Mothering is an eternal role, so how can you ever be done with it?

But then my daughter doesn't need much mothering.  She needs grandmothering of the two little boys, and a shopping partner but not really actual mothering.  My son doesn't need much mothering. He needs care packages and a staunch supporter but mothering a boy too long just gets into the realm of weird smothering jewish mother kind of thing.  So if my own children don't need me .... who am I supposed to mother?

Turns out, there is a whole host of people who need a bonus mom.  An extra mom to step in with love and support on a part time basis. I am not talking about foster children- which I think is extraordinarily Christlike and amazing,  I am talking about mostly young adults learning to become adults in a world of harsh reality.  I know have several "bonus children".  I love them all.

David, the first bonus child, actually came to live with us when he had no where else to go.  He needed a home so he could finish high school.  He needed shelter, food, and someone to nag the crap out of him to do his homework so he could finish high school.  He is now in the National Guard, working full time, and being a productive member of society.  He calls me Mom.  I love that boy.

Jaime is broken.  I know she has had deep horrors in her past that have irreparably scarred her.  She hasn't told me details and I didn't really want to know. She just needed someone to hug her, tell her she's fine, she can make it, she can do it.  Jaime has worked so hard to become an adult, she has gone to school and will be an RN in a few months. On occasion she has asked for me to pray for her.  I do. She calls me mama.  I love that child.

Jade is cynical and playful and childlike all at the same time.  She just needed to know someone has her back.  That someone is making sure she has food and not just eating ramen for weeks on end. She is going to school and has big plans for her life.  She calls me her Bonus Mom and even brought me a mug to prove it.  I love that girl.

Kylie is a young single mother of two small kids trying to reassemble a broken life.  She just needs someone to talk to about God and eternity.  She needs encouragement and cheering.  Someone to laugh at cute pictures of her children, to praise her mothering skills.  That child is going places.  She will be all right.  She calls me bonus mom.  I love that young woman.

and the list goes on.

I have some "kids" who just need a hug.  Some just need someone to take an interest in their life. Some need a joke.  Some need someone to vent to.  Rarely do they need or want advice.  Mostly I just listen.

Turns out there is a lot of mothering that is needed out there.  So far none of it has taken a great deal of time or effort.  Usually just a moment of caring here and there. But it has brought me great joy. An incredible amount of joy.  It's added a whole new layer of sweetness in my life.  

Is there someone you know that needs a few minutes of your time just listening?  Is there someone out there in your life needing encouragement that you can give?  Look around.  It is the best.  It is our divine role.  Mothering is eternal.

No more grass update

So the Redesigning of the front yard is a long painful process.  I have a tendency to want things exactly right.  So I make myself crazy pouring over websites to find just the right plant or just the right rocks.  Yeesh.


But here is what we have done thus far.

We made some berms and added rocks and trees to them.  Note the daffodils are in full bloom.  I love daffodils.  You don't have to do a thing to them, they just come up and stay for a month or so.  I am going to divide them when they die down and spread them around.

We planted alyssum on the sides of the stone walkway to hopefully hold some of the dirt in between the stones. You can't tell but it is three shades, dark purple, a rose color and white.  

We went out and got free rocks with a BLM permit and I built this lovely little wall. 

The iris are from the back yard.

I added phlox along the dry creek bed.  The theory is it will get much bigger and sort of drape over the rocks and into the bed.

We got more free rocks off ksl.com and I made pathways along the wall, the creek bed and one of the berms.  

I think it is coming along nicely.  I hope to get some ground cover in over the dead grass.  There is still lots to do before it's done.  I am shocked at how much plants cost though.  I think it is a rip off.  I figured several ways to save though.  Look around the neighborhood for overgrown plants that need to be divided.  Offer to do the work for part of the plants.  I have a friend down the street willing to give me lovely tulips if I come divide them.  I also look on ksl a lot.  I got most of the bushes on clearance at the end of last year and wintered them in the back yard.  They are looking pretty good.  I have used Shopko $10 off printable coupons when mulch when on sale.  

I haven't spent all that much yet.  The trees were absolutely the most expensive at 89 buck a piece.  Then the mulch is around 40.  The rocks were mostly free just the time and gas to go get them. 

Next up is ground cover!!

C R A Z Y

So it seems our new President of the United States is going to be either a criminal who will be facing charges and possibly jail time or an ego maniacal narcissist.   Wow.    Can we start a write in campaign for soemone else.  Anyone else.  Or start a campaign to fire these to yahoos and start the process over.  The fact that one of these idiots will be President makes me feel like this:

giphy.com

Which I already feel like some days.  Thank you  menopause.  Today is not a good day.  Today I am trying to keep the crazies tucked in and the weeping at bay.  Not an easy task.  I really have no reason to weep which only scores another point for the crazies.  Plus it's Mother's Day Weekend for which I am feeling inexplicably morose.  Again there is absolutely no reason for that.  My two children are incredible adults who love me and are attentive.  My mother and mother in law are lovely women for whom I appreciate and love.  (score another for the crazies.)  

I think abut Mom's.  After my number one son went on his mission I went into a depression of sorts thinking I was done.  I had checked everything off the mommy list, So what now?  I found there are so many people out there who need a mother figure.  I have many friends now, mostly younger, who needed the stability (ha!) of an older woman to just listen and to encourage.  I like talking to them and hearing their hopes and aspirations.  Oddly enough , several of them call me Mom.  I consider it an honor and a blessing.  And possibly a calling from God.  

It's  a tough world now.  So many children have raised themselves, never having the stability of a parent to guide them in decision making.  Which might actually explain why young people are so hip on Bernie sanders.  He will decide everything!  he will make everything easy!  Socialism is great!  Which still makes me feel like this:

giphy.com

So amongst politics, and hormones - today the crazies are winning.

But look out tomorrow!

Menopause

I remember seeing a comic talking about the "change of life"  Mrs. White said when your young they tell you that you are becoming a woman but when you are older and going through the "change of life they don't tell you what you are changing into.  She stroked her chin and said she was becoming her Father.

That is not what I was becoming.

I was turning into this:

playbuzz.com

I would be going along happily, something would happen and would immediately skip over irritation and annoyance and launch right into full blown out of control rage.  The smallest thing would have me so pissed off.  I wanted to start carrying a paintball gun so I could mark the idiots that got in my way on a daily basis.

I decided to get help the day I had my 22 year old bonus son by the collar and I was shaking him back and forth and yelling with my 22 year old son looking on in abject astonishment.  Only minutes later I dissolved into tears.  Ya menopause is fun.

(Big lesson here - I apologized later, explained menopause was hell and went inside to cry.  My son appeared, held out his arms, hugged me and told me he hoped my day went better.  That is absolutely the best thing to do for a hormonal woman  after the fire is out.  I will always deeply love him for being able to see past the rage and see me, shaken and ashamed, and love me anyway.)

  

So I looked for some help.   Since you can't into a doctor in any reasonable amount of time I started doing some research online.  I did make a doctor appointment but figured I bet get help NOW.  so I searched and found that hormone replacement is bad - it will kill you - probably.  There was a lot of antidepressant  drug therapies.  There was some essential oils.  But clinical research suggested most women found relief with an herbal supplement called Estroven.  (Big disclaimer here - my clinical research was looking at reviews on Amazon).  I went to Walmart.  Ya, I'm cheap.  And got some of the Walmart brand which also had a bunch of vitamins mixed in. And guess what?  

 IT FREAKING WORKED!!!!!!

I feel like me again.  Not the nervous, angry, psycho bitch from hell.

It works so good my son told me he hasn't been afraid in a week.  My husband has asked me, with a little trepidation, if I took that pill.

So my advice is this.  If you are having trouble with the hormonal rage that come with menopause (and all the rest of the menopausal fun).  GET HELP.  Whatever that help is for you.  Find something that eases things for you.  Certainly make a doctors appointment, be healthy. Take care of yourself.  Find something that eases your distress into this freaking wonderful "change of life".

And remember you are not in this alone.  There are millions of us with you sweating and soaking our sheets at night right there with you.

No more grass?

Well, last fall my husband told me he was done watering and fertilizing and mowing the front lawn.  I asked if I was going to be watering and mowing the front lawn.  He informed me that no he was going to kill it off and we were going to xeriscape it.  (sounds like zero scape - or lack of scaping)  I am thinking this:

(weknowyourdreamz.com)

I asked him what he had in mind.  He said he wanted it to look like the western desert here in Utah, which is only slightly better than the above.  It looks like this:

(raisingbutterflies.org)

Our deserts have sagebrush, rabbit brush, juniper trees, and few very hardy flowers.  It is beautiful.... in the desert.... not in my front yard.  So I investigated and researched (okay I wasted a LOT of time on Pinterest) and found out there are some incredibly pretty, flowery low water landscapes!  

Who knew? 

So we started this huge project - meaning I came home from work and the hubby had sprayed the lawn with Round Up, so ya we started this huge project.  But I am on board now and I think it will turn out incredible.  I mean the idea itself is good.  I am not a tree hugger or a hippie type but I think we are to use the resources God gave us wisely.  It seems to me that dumping gallons and gallons of water on every lawn in every neighborhood in the middle of a desert state is not only wasteful - it's just dumb. I think how much water we could save if everyone maybe did a little less lawn.

We are leaving the lawn in back for the dog and grandkids - they share well - 

Okay off the soapbox.  Here is where we are to date:

We have created a stone walkway from the sidewalk to the second driveway and a dry creek bed.... apparently leading to the garbage cans.  No, I'm kidding,  There is going to be a butterfly bush at the end that the creek bed meanders into.  We have also made two berms, one on each side of the creek bed for flowers and rocks and grass and more flowers and stuff. 

By the way, literally tons of rocks are to be had for FREE on ksl.com.  We got all of these and didn't pay for anything but gas and time!  I have also purchased a butterfly bush, two dogwoods, three sedum flowers and two other bushes that I forgot what they are (menopause brain) from NPS last fall for less than fifty bucks!!!!  I am so cheap!  I also bought a really really good shovel.  So we are into this for less than a hundred dollars so far. There are still trees to buy and flowers to beg or borrow.  I found people are pretty willing to let me have flower bulbs if I will come seperate them.  

Anyway I was first really freaked out by the idea but after lots of research (aka Pinterest)  I am totally sold on it.  I am all in.  Plus the one very very cool thing... hubby and I are working together on a project ....not disagreeing ... I am trusting him more and I think he is trusting me more.  It's working for us and I am loving it!

Valentines Day is a Satanic Plot

I am not a fan of Valentines Day.   Which is too bad since it is also my Anniversary.  Ya it's not that we were overly romantic in choosing the day, quite the opposite.  My husband was in school and suggested if we got married the Thursday before President's Day we could have a longer honeymoon. I looked at the calendar and grimaced as I realized it was Valentines Day.  I turned to him and told him that was cliche, he said, "Okay we can wait until I'm out of school in the summer."  Two problems with that: I'm a God fearing Christian full of raging hormones (even then).  I was pretty sure we would not be temple worthy by summer, so Valentine's Day it was.

The upside is we can never forget our Anniversary as the entire marketing structure of the United States reminds us.  But isn't that marketing structure a little off?  In all the ads there is flowers and candy and candlelight, gorgeous model couples with lean beautiful bodies staring at each other with pleasure and passion.  And to prove the intensity of their love he is giving her jewelry and roses.  As if love can be measured by the amount of money you spend.  Here my love, I love you a 1500 dollar diamond bracelet worth which makes me much better than the schmo who loves his spouse a twenty dollar Walmart necklace worth.  Doesn't this set insane expectations all the way around?

And what does any of it have to do with love?

I like Garrison Keillor's version of love.  He tells the story of a couple who bought several piglets and cared for them in the hopes of selling them and taking a long awaited trip to Hawaii. But, winters in Lake Wobegone are hard. The piglets contracted a virus and every single piglet died. Their dream gone and their hearts broken they commenced to taking on the immediate task. He says,

"If the two of you pick up sixty-eight little pig carcasses by their frozen legs and throw them into the pickup and haul them to the landfill and bury them, and if you don't get mad and blame each other, just do the job, and go to bed, your pigs gone and your shirts lost, and turn toward the middle and lie in each other's arms, that's true love.  Probably it will last because it has endured so much already"   

(Leaving Home, Garrison Keillor - get it read it - it's awesome)

Real love is just that..the resolution to be together, to keep working together, through all the stuff of life, to keep reaching and becoming together.  No jewelry, no candy, no candelight....

....although flowers would be nice.  /

Fifty is Shifty

Fifty is Shifty

I haven't blogged in a bit.  And this new format is crazy.  But I will learn it.  If I can retain focus long enough.  Although, menopause brain has turned my focus into a spinning kaleidoscope of random thought held together by raging hormones and ADD.

SQUIRREL!

I like blogs.  (Oh btw I change gears frequently!)  I think there is a lot of useful info out there if you can get pass the myriad of ads.  I hate those sites that make you wade through full picture ads for crap I don't want, to find the little teeny tiny arrow that points you to the info I got on the blog site for in the first place.  And with a dis-fragmented brain and short attention span I generally lose interest about 5 seconds into the site and I am no longer care enough to continue.  IF I can remember what interested me in the first place.

But blogs.  Ya, I like blogs.   Butt the majority seem categorically alike.  Cutsey upbeat everything is terribly light and organized and wonderful and nearly perfect, unless one posts the adorable failure, or sweet little mess up, and isn't it all just DARLING!

I can't relate.

I sit here in my eternally messy house, because I don't live alone, (which is my excuse for my eternally messy house) with my snoring farting dog near. (What the crap do they put in dog food that makes it smell like that anyway???)  And cute and perfect is not my life.

And the whole fifty thing has taken me by surprise.  I always missed the hip generation.  When I was twenty the show "Thirtysomething" was huge tv show.  Then in my thirties the twenty year olds from "Friends" dominated.  I was always in the wrong decade.  And now fifty.  What are you supposed to do in your fifties?  I am too young to retire -  not that I wouldn't in a heartbeat if I had the funds.  I am too old to start a new career.  Ya Ya I know people have done it, Grandma Moses started art at seventy something, whatever, shut up,   Kids are grown,  Grandchildren are growing,  Moms (mine and his) are declining, (Dads are both gone now) and I have decided menopause is crap.

So what now?